July 4th, 2009
Today is July 4th, 2009

I am finally ready to talk

My surgery was back on May 28th.  There is good news and bad news to report on that.  The
good news is they got all of the cancer.  The bad news is what has kept me from writing.

I guess today it all came to a head.  Everyday since the surgery I have thought about writing but,
just could not bring myself to it.  I promised myself I would not have a pity party.  Besides, the
last one failed miserably.  So I thought to myself  today if I write I might just be able to talk myself
out of it.  

First off, about the surgery.  According to the doctors I am cancer free.  I spent a week in the
hospital and the only saving grace was the morphine drip.  It was really quite comical.  I woke
several times with the phone in my hand and I still have no idea who I called or if I fell asleep on
someone who had called me.  Several times I woke myself up when ice cream would start
dripping from the cup onto me because I had fell asleep while eating.  I did however have
enough steam in me to get one nurse fired.  Sorry about that but, you should have had better
bed side manners.  I mean if you have the ability to piss off a patient on morphine you really
suck.

Since being home from the hospital I have continued to try and update this website with more
and more information.  I have decided to try to take it nationwide.  I guess in part to keep my
mind off myself.  The recovery period is 6 to 8 weeks from surgery and I have already been
trapped in this house for the past 6 months.  The walls are closing in on me and I realize the
world is still going on outside and I can’t yet join it.  Depression is getting worse and worse by
the day.  I try really hard to fight it by staying busy working on the website and playing games
online.  

Brian has gone back to work and is gone from about 6:30 am until most days 8 or 9 at night.  
Since we lost the truck right before I went into the hospital this leaves me here with no way to go
and feeling even more cut off.  Also I wonder how we are going to manage with just one vehicle
once I go back to work. I wonder if I can get back to work before my disability money runs out
and every other thing in the world that can go wrong.  As hard as I try I just can’t stop the
thoughts.  

Today is especially difficult.  It is July 4th.  My entire family is on vacation and my daughter is in a
dead zone.  Thank you AT&T, you missed one. It could be for the best though because I do not
need to bring her down while she is out enjoying her vacation.  I am just hurting inside because
I want so bad to do something other than go to the doctor and sit in this house.

I have to go to the doctor again this Tuesday coming up so Brian had to work today.  He laid
around here for the first part of the morning waiting on a call that never came.  After listening to
me bitch about why he had not gone ahead to start working so he could get home at a
reasonable hour he left.  And wouldn’t you know it.  He took my cell phone.  So now what do I
do.  At least with the phone I could reach out and touch someone.

I guess he will be home about 8 or 9 tonight and we can cook something on the George
Foreman grill.  What a shame. We have two gas grills on the back porch. Money is so tight right
now that we won’t even spend the $20.00 it takes to swap out a tank. I really don’t need to fire
them up because as I mentioned before we are using the porch to dry our cloths.

Everyone talks about how brave and strong I am.  I guess I would have made a great actress.  
No matter how bad I feel inside I try to stand tall and act like everything is ok.  I just keep
reminding myself that someone has it worse.

Through the website I have received hundreds of letters from people thanking me for what I am
doing.  Countless letters from well wishers who say they are praying for me and countless
letters from people who need help.  That keeps me going.    

While going through all of this, Farrah Fawcett aired her story and sadly died.  I am proud to say
she is someone I admired.  One thing that is quite comical about it is that as a teenager my
sister, Lisa would yell at me through the bathroom door and say “hurry up Farrah I need to get in
there.”

My daughter refused to watch Farrah’s special because the connection was too close.  I myself
had some problems with it as most of us do not have the funds to fly to another country to get
medical assistance.  

All in all she gave it her all.  However she did refuse to have one procedure that I fought myself
all the way to the operating table.

The type of cancer I had is called Vulver or Vulvar cancer.  It affects the exterior walls of your
vaginal area.  It manifests in a form that appears to be a small pimple or ingrown hair in my
case.  From what I have read it can manifest for years without knowing it is there.  By the time I
went to the doctor my tumor had grown to the size I could not sit comfortably.  Because of this
they had to do radiation and chemo before they could remove it.  The radiation I am told broke
down the walls between the vaginal area and the anal wall.  Because of this I was facing having
a colostomy.  

I knew of only one person my entire life that had had this.  I said no.  Absolutely not.  No way.  I
can’t do this.  Then Doctor Rosen looked me square in the eyes just days before the surgery
and said.  “If we don’t get it all you will die”.

The morning they admitted me into the hospital was when I finally signed the consent forms.  I
had prayed and believed God would watch over me.  

The last thing I remember before surgery was my entire family standing around me in the
hallway.  The next thing I remember was waking up and before I opened my eyes I put my
hands down on my stomach.  It was there.  I did not want to open my eyes.

Still there was hope.  After all I had been told by several people it could be temporary and
reversed at a later date.  I was not so lucky.  As it turned out they had to remove about a foot of
my intestines and it is a permanent procedure.  I do know it is what saved my life but, it is still so
hard to deal with.  I feel ugly and mutilated. I have tried to make jokes to make everyone around
me feel more comfortable about it. I am terrified of going back to work.  I am terrified of leaving
this house.  I guess the only way to get over it is to tell people about it.  I really don’t know how to
deal with it.  I guess just one day at a time.  I really have no other choice.  I had a choice but, I
wanted to live.  So I guess you can say this was my choice.  I just have to learn to live with it.

My parents, Brian, my children and friends have been so good to me through out all of this.  I
have so much to be grateful for.  

I sit here today jealous over the fact I can’t afford to go on vacation, feeling sorry for myself
because I have to spend the day alone and mad because I will never be able to wear a two
piece bathing suit again.

Now that I put it all on paper I see how childish I am being.  This all will pass.  The main thing is
I am alive.  Because I am alive I will be able to go on vacation again.  Brian will be home
sometime tonight.  My family will return from vacation and who knows I might look pretty good in
a one piece.  After all Farrah sold 20 millions posters wearing one.

Thank you again for the prayers and for reading my bloggs.  By the way I get paid by the click for
those google ads you see.  Please click on them and help me raise the money I need to take a
vacation.

I Love You All,
Brenda Lee
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