My Pity Party was Interrupted
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May 13th, 2009
I am dieing yet I keep smiling. I keep trying to cry but, I can’t. I keep trying to feel sorry for myself but,
I can’t.
Yesterday I went to yet another doctor. Dr. Seth Rosen. This was yet another specialist. The 4th
since I was diagnosed with cancer. I was there merely to meet him just in case he has to assist the
cancer specialist Dr. Jeffrey Hines in surgery.
He was a pleasant young man who had come with high praise from two of my doctors.( Dr. Hines
and Dr. Laura Allen). I had a pleasant experience although I was none to happy with his diagnosis.
I walked out into the waiting room after he examined me to get the checkbook from Brian with a
smile and that set his mind to rest. He thought all was great. What it was is my pride would not let
me cry in front of the other patients that packed the waiting room. On the elevator ride down he said
well what did he say. I told him I would tell him in the car as there were others on the elevator.
Once in the car I shared with Brian what the doctor had told me. Bottom line I had to decide if I
wanted to fight and live or give up and die. My mind was racing and I really didn’t feel much like
talking. The ride home was rather quite.
Over the past 4 months I have somehow managed to make it through obstacle after obstacle I
thought I would never have been able to make it through before. All of the doctors and nurses have
told me how brave I am. It is kind of weird in a way that the mind forgets the pain you go through.
Getting my energy back after the radiation made me forget about the days and days I had a hard
time walking 10 feet without giving out of energy and breath.
Although I am not gaining weight I am not losing any. This is a good thing. I can eat again without
getting sick. I can fix my own food now and even baked a cake last week.
Everyone wants to know how I can be so strong and so positive while my world is falling apart
around me. All I can say is God is on my side. Although it seems at times he has quite a sense of
humor.
Every time I feel sorry for myself about the cancer I think about the children who have it and have no
idea why they are sick. I also think about the fact that I am going to have surgery and it is possible if
they can get it all I will live. It is also possible I will not have to have anymore chemo or radiation.
I don’t blame God for being sick. I see it as my calling to reach out and help others in my position.
During the past 4 months I have been forced to face challenges better faced when you are not
fighting for your life.
With Brian being out of work and me getting sick our finances have been worse than ever before.
Just to recap here goes.
Brian lost his job due to a hernia almost a year ago. I was forced to keep us a float due to the fact
there are no jobs to be found. I worked sick and in pain until I could not take it anymore. Once I did
stop and go to the doctor they diagnosed me with cancer. My disability insurance only paid 60
percent of what I was making and I was still responsible for paying my own insurance. My house
payment got so far behind it went into foreclosure. Brian’s truck got repossessed. I had to file
bankrupt to save the house and I almost believe it or not didn’t have enough income to do that. I
was forced to apply for food stamps. I have gone to the salvation army to have my $300.00 gas bill
paid and gotten food from them. I have went to an organization called Tallatoona who also paid
$350.00 toward my gas bill. Today I have to call the gas company and pay what I can and work out
payment arrangements. We have sold a lot of our things online at Craigs list for extra money and
visited food banks. For the past year I have been hanging my cloths on the back porch. Not to be
green but because my dryer broke. My car needs new tires, windshield wipers, brakes and a right
front head light. I had to give away some of my dogs because I couldn’t afford to feed them.
Yet I am still smiling. How can I. Well here is how I keep smiling.
By having the surgery I don’t want to have I may live past 46. I have a car to get around in. I have a
house to live in. I have a back porch to dry my cloths on. I have a few dogs left to love. I still have a
job if I can just get well enough to go back to work. I have the ability to help others even though I don’
t have any money. I have also made a lot of new friends.
Yesterday when I was trying to have a pity party my phone rang. A young lady who took one of my
dogs was on the other end. I dried my tears and answered with a smile hoping all was okay with
the puppy. At this point I have learned to expect bad news every time the phone rings. She wanted
to drop by. All was good with the puppy.
This young ladies name is Jade. The same name I gave my daughter. Just a few weeks earlier
she had asked if she could have one of my puppies. She in turn was so captured by them she told
a few of her friends about my website. At the time she had not decided which one she wanted and
was intending to ride out and meet them all. Unfortunately all of her friends called and when she
had time to come out all but one was gone. I was so hurt. I hoped she would not be upset with
me. She had not chose but to take the last puppy. This was a special puppy to me and I even had a
friend in Illinois who was trying to figure out a way to get her there. I had promised Jade a puppy so
I hoped they would be great friends.
Talk about blessings. This girl turned out to be another person who would block my pity parties.
She showed up to pick up the puppy and brought food for my pantry and insisted on giving me
money I didn’t want to take. She brought along a friend who knew we had a pregnant dog who
asked if she could have a puppy when they arrive. She also told me she had taken the time to read
my site.
I was beside myself. Where did these girls come from. Why was I so lucky to have them in my life.
I knew it was God listening.
Then when they showed back up they brought us almost 100 pounds of dog food for the dogs we
have left. Puppy food, as well as wet food for the pregnant one. I may add they do not live around
the corner. They live clear across Metro Atlanta about 35 miles from here.
I just want to thank these girls for everything they have done. Thank God I made two new friends
and want to tell their parents what wonderful children they have. Thank you, Jade and Nicole. You
have no idea how you have touched me.
Now you know why I can’t have a pity party. Even though when I call God it seems I always get his
voice mail he answers me through the love of others. Every time I feel like giving up something good
happens.
I don’t have any money to help all the people who need it. What I do have is the ability to add the
sites and phone numbers to my website. I have got a great response from my website. I have
received tons of letters from people who needed help paying gas and electric bills, a place to find
food and cloths and just a shoulder to cry on. In trying to occupy my time, keep my mind off my own
troubles, and keep a positive attitude I was rewarded.
I have had to learn to put my pride aside. Ask for help. Believe in myself and trust that everything
happens for a reason.
I’ve chose life over die. I am going to go into surgery with a positive attitude and know God is on my
side. If he chooses to take me home I know my work here is done.
I am dieing yet I keep smiling. I keep trying to cry but, I can’t. I keep trying to feel sorry for myself but,
I can’t.
Yesterday I went to yet another doctor. Dr. Seth Rosen. This was yet another specialist. The 4th
since I was diagnosed with cancer. I was there merely to meet him just in case he has to assist the
cancer specialist Dr. Jeffrey Hines in surgery.
He was a pleasant young man who had come with high praise from two of my doctors.( Dr. Hines
and Dr. Laura Allen). I had a pleasant experience although I was none to happy with his diagnosis.
I walked out into the waiting room after he examined me to get the checkbook from Brian with a
smile and that set his mind to rest. He thought all was great. What it was is my pride would not let
me cry in front of the other patients that packed the waiting room. On the elevator ride down he said
well what did he say. I told him I would tell him in the car as there were others on the elevator.
Once in the car I shared with Brian what the doctor had told me. Bottom line I had to decide if I
wanted to fight and live or give up and die. My mind was racing and I really didn’t feel much like
talking. The ride home was rather quite.
Over the past 4 months I have somehow managed to make it through obstacle after obstacle I
thought I would never have been able to make it through before. All of the doctors and nurses have
told me how brave I am. It is kind of weird in a way that the mind forgets the pain you go through.
Getting my energy back after the radiation made me forget about the days and days I had a hard
time walking 10 feet without giving out of energy and breath.
Although I am not gaining weight I am not losing any. This is a good thing. I can eat again without
getting sick. I can fix my own food now and even baked a cake last week.
Everyone wants to know how I can be so strong and so positive while my world is falling apart
around me. All I can say is God is on my side. Although it seems at times he has quite a sense of
humor.
Every time I feel sorry for myself about the cancer I think about the children who have it and have no
idea why they are sick. I also think about the fact that I am going to have surgery and it is possible if
they can get it all I will live. It is also possible I will not have to have anymore chemo or radiation.
I don’t blame God for being sick. I see it as my calling to reach out and help others in my position.
During the past 4 months I have been forced to face challenges better faced when you are not
fighting for your life.
With Brian being out of work and me getting sick our finances have been worse than ever before.
Just to recap here goes.
Brian lost his job due to a hernia almost a year ago. I was forced to keep us a float due to the fact
there are no jobs to be found. I worked sick and in pain until I could not take it anymore. Once I did
stop and go to the doctor they diagnosed me with cancer. My disability insurance only paid 60
percent of what I was making and I was still responsible for paying my own insurance. My house
payment got so far behind it went into foreclosure. Brian’s truck got repossessed. I had to file
bankrupt to save the house and I almost believe it or not didn’t have enough income to do that. I
was forced to apply for food stamps. I have gone to the salvation army to have my $300.00 gas bill
paid and gotten food from them. I have went to an organization called Tallatoona who also paid
$350.00 toward my gas bill. Today I have to call the gas company and pay what I can and work out
payment arrangements. We have sold a lot of our things online at Craigs list for extra money and
visited food banks. For the past year I have been hanging my cloths on the back porch. Not to be
green but because my dryer broke. My car needs new tires, windshield wipers, brakes and a right
front head light. I had to give away some of my dogs because I couldn’t afford to feed them.
Yet I am still smiling. How can I. Well here is how I keep smiling.
By having the surgery I don’t want to have I may live past 46. I have a car to get around in. I have a
house to live in. I have a back porch to dry my cloths on. I have a few dogs left to love. I still have a
job if I can just get well enough to go back to work. I have the ability to help others even though I don’
t have any money. I have also made a lot of new friends.
Yesterday when I was trying to have a pity party my phone rang. A young lady who took one of my
dogs was on the other end. I dried my tears and answered with a smile hoping all was okay with
the puppy. At this point I have learned to expect bad news every time the phone rings. She wanted
to drop by. All was good with the puppy.
This young ladies name is Jade. The same name I gave my daughter. Just a few weeks earlier
she had asked if she could have one of my puppies. She in turn was so captured by them she told
a few of her friends about my website. At the time she had not decided which one she wanted and
was intending to ride out and meet them all. Unfortunately all of her friends called and when she
had time to come out all but one was gone. I was so hurt. I hoped she would not be upset with
me. She had not chose but to take the last puppy. This was a special puppy to me and I even had a
friend in Illinois who was trying to figure out a way to get her there. I had promised Jade a puppy so
I hoped they would be great friends.
Talk about blessings. This girl turned out to be another person who would block my pity parties.
She showed up to pick up the puppy and brought food for my pantry and insisted on giving me
money I didn’t want to take. She brought along a friend who knew we had a pregnant dog who
asked if she could have a puppy when they arrive. She also told me she had taken the time to read
my site.
I was beside myself. Where did these girls come from. Why was I so lucky to have them in my life.
I knew it was God listening.
Then when they showed back up they brought us almost 100 pounds of dog food for the dogs we
have left. Puppy food, as well as wet food for the pregnant one. I may add they do not live around
the corner. They live clear across Metro Atlanta about 35 miles from here.
I just want to thank these girls for everything they have done. Thank God I made two new friends
and want to tell their parents what wonderful children they have. Thank you, Jade and Nicole. You
have no idea how you have touched me.
Now you know why I can’t have a pity party. Even though when I call God it seems I always get his
voice mail he answers me through the love of others. Every time I feel like giving up something good
happens.
I don’t have any money to help all the people who need it. What I do have is the ability to add the
sites and phone numbers to my website. I have got a great response from my website. I have
received tons of letters from people who needed help paying gas and electric bills, a place to find
food and cloths and just a shoulder to cry on. In trying to occupy my time, keep my mind off my own
troubles, and keep a positive attitude I was rewarded.
I have had to learn to put my pride aside. Ask for help. Believe in myself and trust that everything
happens for a reason.
I’ve chose life over die. I am going to go into surgery with a positive attitude and know God is on my
side. If he chooses to take me home I know my work here is done.